Introduction

Picking trusted adults who will take care of your children if you can't is the most important estate planning task on your list as a parent.

And for many parents, picking guardians for their children is also by far the hardest thing about making an estate plan. Somehow, just thinking about the possibility that we won't be here to raise our kids seems to make it more likely that it could actually happen. Intellectually, we know that's nonsense -- but it's still a distasteful task.

Don't put if off, though. If a child has two parents, and one dies, the survivor carries on as the sole parent. But if both parents die together, or if a single parent dies or can't raise a child, someone must be legally responsible for the child. That person is known as the child's personal guardian and is appointed by a judge in a probate court proceeding. Unless you put your wishes in writing, the judge will have to choose a guardian without any idea of whom you wanted to raise your children.

Get It Done

Choosing guardians is never easy. But it is too important a decision to leave to a stranger. You need to know that you're doing the best you can in selecting people who could provide a loving home for your kids. And keep in mind that making a choice that works for the next three to five years is much better than doing nothing at all. You can -- and should -- reevaluate your decisions in five years, anyway. As your children grow and your relationships with family and friends change, your guardianship choices may very well change, too.

For many of my estate planning clients, the difficulty of picking a guardian is the single biggest reason for not getting their estate planning done. There are just so many good reasons not to do the work it takes: There's no time to have that conversation with your spouse or partner; there are no good choices among friends and family; it's just too hard to think about the unlikely scenario of dying while your kids are young. Still, all of these reasons often just boil down to the fact that it's emotionally too wrenching to imagine needing a guardian, let alone naming one, or two, or three.

If you're feeling that way, here are some ways to get the job done. First, tell yourself that this is like having fire insurance, making sure you have an earthquake preparedness kit in the back shed, or drawing up a basic hurricane evacuation plan. You'll probably never need to use your emergency preparations, but if you ever do, your family will be so pleased that you cared enough about them to plan ahead.

Second, remind yourself that sometimes being a parent means you have to be brave and do the right thing, even when it is a bit difficult -- you take your kids to the doctor to get their shots (okay, they hated it more than you did, but it was hard, wasn't it?), you buckle them into their car seats even when they're writhing and screaming, and you always make sure that their teeth are brushed.

And third, you just might discover, as many of my clients have, that making an estate plan actually reduces your anxiety about dying. There's something about making a contingency plan that can be comforting. You still can't control untimely fate, but you can be secure in knowing that you've done everything you can to make sure that your children would be safe and well cared for if the unexpected did happen. So think hard about estate planning for a while, and once you're done, move on to other, more rewarding plans, like your next vacation or how to redo the living room.

How Guardianships Work

Your job as a parent is to choose the people whom you would want to serve as guardians and to write those choices into your will. It's a judge's job, however, to give the people you've chosen the legal authority to serve as guardians, if it's ever necessary.

Judges give the people you name in your will priority over anyone else. A court would still, however, need to make sure that your nominated guardians would do a good job. In most states, that means that there would be a court-ordered investigation of the prospective guardian's background and home before the judge made the formal appointment. These investigations vary from state to state (and even within counties) but generally include an interview with a social worker, a background check, and a home visit. The social worker would then file a report to the judge about the suitability of the nominated guardian.

If you hadn't appointed a guardian in your will, or if you died without a will at all, then it would be the judge's job to select and appoint someone. The specific factors that judges must consider are determined by state law, but generally the list is sensible and includes items like these:

• the love and affection between the child and the proposed guardian
• the capacity of the proposed guardian to provide a loving, stable home
• the mental and physical health of the proposed guardian
• the guardian's moral fitness, and
• the child's preference.

In most cases where there's no will, a family member comes forward and requests to be named as guardian. If the judge determines the person who has come forward would take good care of the child, the judge will go ahead with the appointment.

What Guardians Are (and Are Not) Responsible For

A guardian has the legal authority and responsibility to care for a child, just as a parent does. The guardian's job is to provide a child's food, shelter, education, and medical care and to ensure their safety, security, and comfort until the child turns 18. And guardians, like parents, are legally responsible if a child under their control hurts another person or their property because they didn't supervise them properly.

Example: Katherine is the guardian of her 10-year-old niece, Shelby. Shelby had to move from her home in Idaho to Katherine's home in Oregon after her parents passed away. Katherine is responsible for making sure that Shelby gets to school every day and is well fed and well taken care of. If Shelby is having difficulty adjusting to her new school, it is Katherine's job to call the principal, discuss matters with Shelby's teachers, and take any other action that would be appropriate for a parent to take in the same situation.

Legal responsibilities aside, guardians, like parents, also end up having a lot of influence over the small day-to-day things that a child experiences. If your child is ever cared for by a guardian, the guardian will be the one to decide which movies your children watch, which activities they engage in, which food they eat (and don't), and whom they spend time with. Guardians would also have a role to play in the big decisions your children will make: where to go to college, what kind of jobs to take, and whom to marry.

By and large, once a personal guardian has been appointed, the court steps out of the picture and does not supervise the situation closely. Generally, a guardian must file annual status reports with the courts, reviewing how well the children are doing and where they're living and alerting the court to any changes that have occurred since the guardian was appointed.

State law determines the rules, but there are a few things that usually require the guardian to get the court's approval. For example, a guardian would need to get court permission before moving a child out of state. And a family member who felt that a guardian wasn't taking adequate care of a child could ask the court to terminate the guardianship and appoint someone else.

Although guardians are responsible for the general safety and well-being of the minor children in their care, usually called wards, they are not legally responsible for their wards' financial support. What that means is that guardians don't have to spend their own money to take care of their wards and can apply for public assistance programs on behalf of them.

Your children, though, won't ever be in that situation, because you are doing important financial planning for them right now. Your life insurance policies (see Chapter 7) will make sure that there would be enough money to take care of any minor children you left behind, and the person you've chosen to manage the proceeds (see Chapter 3) will make sure there's enough money for them until they turn 18 and hopefully long after that.

Parents can, and often do, leave money to the guardians in their wills, as a gift. A guardian, for example, might use such a gift to remodel a house and build an extra bedroom, buy a new car, or cut back on paid work to stay home and take care of small children. (You'll be thinking this issue through in Chapter 4, when you make your will.)

Picking the Right Guardian

You know that there is no one on the face of the earth capable of fully replacing you as a parent. Still, you've got to do the best you can. So next you will pick two, and preferably three, people to nominate as guardians. These are people who you believe will be able to give your children a loving home and get them to school, to the doctor, and anywhere else they need to be, until they are legal adults. You're going to choose more than one person because you want to make sure that just in case your first choice isn't available if the need ever arises, you have a backup or two.

The Ideal Guardian

The first step in choosing a guardian for your child is to sit down and write out the qualities that you'd like to find in your ideal guardian. Put down as many as you can think of. Then rank each of these qualities on a scale of 1 to 10. (You can assign the same rank to more than one quality.) Although you aren't likely to find all those qualities in any one person -- possibly not even in yourself -- your list will help you see which qualities you are willing to compromise on and which ones are not negotiable.

If you are raising your child with the other parent, it's a good idea for each of you to start by making a separate list. That way, each of you will be able to think about what matters most to you as an individual. After you've come up with your lists, you can compare them and see whether you can agree on at least the most important guardianship qualities and values. Your first lists may look very different -- but don't see the divorce lawyer yet. It may take some time and effort, but you'll almost certainly be able to agree on a few important qualities, if not all.

Even though you and the other parent will each make your own separate will, it's important to pick the same guardians, so that there's no confusion about what you both wanted for your children. Even divorced parents, if they can communicate amicably, should try and pick the same guardians for their children.

The best reason to do this is that many children want to know who they would go to if there were an accident; it gives them a feeling of security. And it's nice for them to know that both parents agree on these choices. It also prevents confusion over whom to name as a guardian if parents name different people in their wills and then die at the same time.

[The Ideal Guardian: An Example] omitted for online sample chapter.

If parents don't die at the same time, the surviving parent's will controls where the children would go next -- so the last parent surviving is the one who really has control over guardianship. But naming the same guardians avoids the possibility of an ugly challenge to a guardianship appointment at the second parent's death by the people named in the first parent's will.

An example of how Judy, a single mom with three children, ranked what was important to her is shown below. (A blank copy of this worksheet is in the Busy Family's Toolkit, on the CD-ROM that comes with this book.)

Making Your List

After you've listed the qualities and values that matter the most to you, your next job is to try to identify people who possess some of them and could serve as guardians. Again, each parent should make a list and then compare it with the other's. For now, just brainstorm all the likely possibilities without analyzing or eliminating, even though all of your candidates will probably fall short in one important way or another. (If you can't think of anyone, take a look at "Common Problems and Some Solutions," below, for help.)

When you make your list, think of individuals, not couples. If you want to name a couple to serve as guardians together, you can do that. But if they were ever to split up after being appointed as guardians, one of them would have to resign as guardian or they'd have to negotiate what would happen to your children as part of their divorce settlement. In the worst case, your children could be the subject of a custody fight. To avoid that, you can name just one person who would remain the guardian even if there were a divorce.

You can, however, always change your mind about a guardian and change your will accordingly. So, if you name a married couple as guardians, but they get divorced (or you change your mind for any other reason), you can always select a new guardian.

An example of the list that Judy came up with is shown below.

[Potential Guardians: An Example] omitted for online sample chapter.

Narrowing Down Your Choices

Having identified the values that matter most to you and made a list of the people in your life, it is time to narrow your choices. First, cross off anyone on either parent's list whose drawbacks are just too big.

Example: Because Judy would not want her children to live with her sister Emily's husband, she crosses Emily off her potential guardian's list. She also crosses off her sister Anne, who lives across the country -- Judy's oldest child is just beginning middle school, and moving so far away from his friends seems like too much of a burden to put on him. Finally, she crosses of her parents. Much as she loves them, and much as her children love them, she doesn't feel that two people in their late 70s should, or could, raise three active children.

Now you're probably getting down to the final few people on your lists. If, at this point, you feel like giving up completely, hang in there. Remember, no one on earth can replace you as a parent (even if there are times when your kids think that pretty much anyone else on earth would do). Choosing a guardian is always a second-best choice, but it is still one that you can make better than anyone else. Take a look back at your list of qualities and values and focus on the qualities that you ranked as a 9 or 10.

Now, try to choose two or three people from the names remaining on the list who bring at least one, if not more, of your most important qualities to the job. It's easy to get bogged down by all of the things that these people are not. Most important, of course, they're not you. But their names wouldn't be on your lists if they weren't also special to you and your family in some important ways.

At this point, it doesn't hurt to just take a moment to feel blessed in having the family and friends that you do. The family that you have, and the one that you have created, is what you can count on to keep your children safe and happy as they grow up, even if you're not there.

If no one left on the list is the obvious choice, pick the person you feel most loves your children and that your children most love. Don't judge the answers you get; just listen to what your heart tells you to do.

Example: One couple I know spent years trying to decide which of their sisters to choose as guardians. All of their sisters were lovely, but all of them had some drawbacks. One lived too far away. One had three kids already. One had children already grown and out of the house. One was struggling financially. So they did nothing and had no estate plan at all.

One day, as they were about to go to the hospital for the birth of their third child, the wife's best friend, whom she'd known since high school, arrived to take their other two children to stay at her house. The children hugged their parents goodbye and clambered into her car. As the friend backed out of the driveway, with the children waving away and grinning tearfully, the parents both knew suddenly that the friend, not their sisters, was the right person to name as guardian. After that, writing their wills was easy. (They had the baby first, though.)

After you make your choice, write it down (there's a place to record the names in the Busy Family's Toolkit on the CD) and congratulate yourself. And if you still feel less than certain about your decision, remember that nothing is written in stone. You can always amend your will to change these names as your children get older or as your friends and family's lives change.

If you've gotten this far and still can't figure out who to pick, see "Common Problems and Some Solutions," below, to see whether any of those ideas can help break the logjam. If none of them do, here's my advice: Pick someone anyway. Make yourself pick at least one guardian and get your will done, and resolve to revisit your decision in a year. If the decision is this hard for you, you don't want to place it in the hands of a judge.

Common Problems and Some Solutions

If despite your best efforts, you find yourself really stuck on whom to name as guardian, it might be because you've run into one of the problems listed below. These go beyond the "nobody's perfect" problem. If you've hit one of these, you're probably not being persnickety. Your problem is that, for one reason or another, nobody on the list is a likely candidate, or that the person likely to get the job is the person you're least likely to pick. Solving your problem will take some creativity, determination, and flexibility. Read on for some tips that may help.

Your First Choice Is Older Than You Are

Solution: Forget about what could happen in ten years; just pick someone now and reevaluate in five years.

Many parents find it easier to come up with potential guardians if they focus on who could take care of their children in the next three to five years, knowing that they can change their guardian choices as their children, and the nominated guardians, grow older. When children are young, grandparents and other family members are often the best choice. But as children grow up, they become increasingly connected to their own friends and community and don't want to move away from their homes. And grandparents aren't usually the guardians of choice for teenagers. Remember, right now you're choosing someone for the next few years only. When some time has passed, you can reevaluate and make changes.

Example: Phillip and Clara have two young sons, aged one and four. They live in Los Angeles. Clara's parents, who are in their mid 60s, are in good health and live in Raleigh, North Carolina, where Clara grew up. Phillip and Clara think that for now, Clara's parents would be the best possible guardians for their boys. They agree to name them as guardians now and to revisit that choice in no longer than ten years, when the boys will be 11 and 14.

Your First Choice Is Not a Good Money Manager

Solution: Name someone else to handle the finances.

Sometimes parents hesitate because the person they like best is not a good money manager. That problem is easily fixed. You can name someone else to manage your children's money and leave the guardian with only the job of making sure your child grows up well cared for and as happy as possible. (Naming a financial guardian is covered in Chapter 3.)

Example: Bernard's sister, Carol, has a terrific relationship with his two daughters, aged six and eight. Carol would make a wonderful guardian -- except that Bernard is concerned that Carol wouldn't do a good job managing the money he'd be leaving for the girls (she'd spend it all on treats). So he names Carol as the personal guardian for his girls but puts his sister-in-law, Jasmine, in charge of their money. Jasmine's job would be to manage the money, letting Carol focus on providing a loving home for the girls.

You Don't Like Your First Choice's Spouse

Solution: Name the individual, not the couple.

What if only one person in a couple is your choice for guardian? Just name the person you want -- not both of them -- as guardians. That way, if the couple divorced, your kids would stay with the person you feel closest to.

Example: John wants to nominate his sister Shirley as the guardian of his three children but would not want Shirley's husband, David, to ever have legal responsibility over them. The solution to this to name only Shirley, not David, as a guardian. As long as Shirley and David are married, the children would live with both of them, but if Shirley and David were to divorce (as John secretly hopes that they will), the children would stay with Shirley.

Of course, if you are certain that you wouldn't want your child to live with the spouse you don't like, then you'll have to name someone else entirely. If you object to the person that strongly, it's going to a deal-breaker.

Your First Choice Lives Far Away

Solution: Name a temporary guardian in addition to a permanent guardian.

With today's scattered families, it's common to want to name a guardian who lives in another state or even another country. There's no requirement that a guardian live where you live, but as part of the court proceeding in which a judge appoints a child's guardian, a nonresident may have to post a bond (a sum of money or an insurance policy) as insurance that they will faithfully perform their duties as a guardian. In addition, an out-of-state guardian would have to ask the court in the county where the probate proceeding is occurring to move the guardianship proceeding to the state where they live. This means more hassle (and more lawyer's fees), but it is something that courts will approve if it makes sense for the child.

For international guardianship, the procedure varies from state to state. But as a general matter, guardians living in another country will have to ask the court to name them as temporary guardians here, and then ask a court in their home country to appoint them as permanent guardians there.

If you want to name someone far away as a guardian, it also makes sense to nominate someone local who could serve as a temporary guardian. This person could take care of your children until your permanent guardians could get to them. You can do this by stating in your will that you want the named person to serve as a temporary guardian, if that's ever necessary.

Example: Vinod and his wife Bindu, who live in Ohio, want to nominate their parents, who live in India, as the guardians of their three children. In their wills they nominate their parents as guardians and also nominate their best friend and neighbor, Katherine, to serve as a temporary guardian should that be necessary.

You Have Children From Previous Marriages

Solution: Focus on the needs of your children. You may end up naming different guardians for different children.

Blended families are common these days, making guardianship choices even more complicated. Some parents name different guardians for the children of different marriages. Others make a plan that would keep all the children together. The only rule of thumb is to do what's right for the children. Remember that guardianship doesn't come into play at all if a child has a surviving parent, and that's more likely when their parents are not living or traveling together.

Example: Lisa and Harold both have children from previous marriages. Lisa has a teenage daughter, Claire, who lives with her and sees her father in the summer. Harold has a teenage son, Jonathan, who lives part time with his mother and part time at Harold's house. Lisa and Harold also have two young children, Richard and William, together.

In her will, Lisa nominates her best friend Leslie as guardian for Claire, in case Claire's father couldn't, or wouldn't, take custody of her. She also nominates her sister-in-law, Ruth, as the guardian for her little ones, Richard and William, in case she and Harold die before the boys grow up. She doesn't name a guardian for Jonathan, who is her stepson.

In his will, Harold nominates his brother, Henry, as a back-up guardian for Jonathan. He also nominates his sister, Ruth, as the guardian of Richard and William.

You Don't Want Your Ex-Spouse to Get Custody

Solution: Name a guardian and state in your will why your ex shouldn't get custody.

If you're divorced, you may be unhappy with the idea that should you die first, your ex-spouse would get custody of your children. That's the reality, though, with just a few exceptions. A court could deny custody to a parent who has abandoned or abused children. Or a parent could agree that another person, such as a stepfather, could serve as the child's guardian. But such situations are rare.

If you really don't want your ex-spouse to take custody of your children, you can explain why in your will. Wills, however, are public documents after someone dies, so you might not want to put such personal information in yours. One alternative is to write a letter stating your reasons for not wanting your former spouse to get custody. Include court records, police reports, or any other evidence of your ex's unsuitability as a custodial parent. Give that letter to your first choice for a guardian, to be used in the case of a court proceeding as evidence of your wishes.

Example: Charles is a divorced father of a five-year-old son, Ethan. He has sole custody of Ethan and is not on good terms with Claudia, his ex-wife, who he believes has a drug abuse problem. In his will, he nominates his sister, Amelia, and his brother, John, as guardians for Ethan. He states in his will that it is his wish that Claudia not be granted custody of Ethan. He also writes a letter stating his reasons. In it, he details his experience with Claudia's drug abuse. He gives the letter to Amelia and John and tells them to use it (in court) if Claudia tries to get custody of Ethan.

Your Family Doesn't Like Your Choices

Solution: Explain your wishes in writing.

You may want to make a guardian choice that you're pretty sure your family wouldn't support. Whether it is because you've adopted a different religion or moved to a different part of the country, or because you are gay and your family doesn't approve of your partner or friends, this can be a painful part of estate planning.

Your first loyalty is to your children, and you should always make the choices that you think will serve them best. You should also know that a court challenge to your choice of guardian is very unlikely -- and very unlikely to succeed. A family member who wanted to overturn your choice of guardian would have to go to probate court and prove to the judge that there was a very good reason -- say, a child abuse conviction -- to set your choice aside.

Still, for the sake of your children, it's best to prevent conflict and preserve family relations as best you can. One way to address possible family dissent is to simply discuss the issue with those family members you most fear will be disappointed. You might be favorably surprised at their reaction.

Whether or not your fears turn out to be well-grounded, it's good to leave a written explanation of your choices. It can calm tension later, when family members have different recollections of what you told them. And if necessary (again, this is very unlikely), it could be used in court. After all, if there ever is an argument, you won't be around to defend your choices.

Of course, deciding what to do is a personal choice, which depends on your family members and your relationship with them. Doing nothing is a common choice -- the prospect of a family fight over guardianship can be paralyzing. But making some effort now may save a lot of heartache later.

Here are a few different techniques to consider:

Write a letter to family members. In the letter, explain why you feel that your choices are best for your children and ask your family to respect your wishes. Make sure to label the letter so that it's clear it's to be opened only in the event of your death. Keep it with your estate planning documents.

Write a letter to the person you've chosen to be the guardian. Explain in detail all the reasons why you don't want certain people in your family to be granted guardianship and give this letter to your guardian, to be used as evidence in a court proceeding in the future, if necessary.

Put your reasons in the will itself. You can go into as much detail as you want, but keep in mind that your will is going to be a public document upon your death.

Example: John and his registered domestic partner, Gary, have a three-year-old daughter, Chandler. They have both adopted her. John and Gary feel that if it were ever necessary, Chandler should be raised by Gary's sister Joan and her husband. But John believes that his mother, Victoria, would fight his wishes in court if she didn't get custody of Chandler, whom she adores.

He feels that Victoria would only be hurt by any discussion of this issue now (and, of course, he expects to live long past Chandler's 18th birthday). So he decides to write a letter to his mother, to be opened only if he and Gary die before Chandler is an adult, explaining that he and Gary love Victoria very much but want Chandler to grow up in a household on the west coast, with other children, in a community that is more supportive of gay parents than the one that Victoria lives in.

More information on gay and lesbian parents and guardianship. See A Legal Guide for Lesbian & Gay Couples, by Denis Clifford, Frederick Hertz, and Emily Doskow (Nolo).

Get help now if you fear a challenge later. If you think that there is a serious possibility that someone in your family would contest your guardianship nominations, you should see an estate planning attorney, who can help you design an estate plan to withstand such a challenge.

You Worry That Your Children Won't Like Your Choices

Solution: Talk it over with them.

If you are worried that your children won't like your nominations for guardians, you might want to discuss it with them, especially if they're already in their teens. Even younger children, though, often have opinions about this and sometimes are comforted in knowing who would take care of them if parents couldn't. Also, children 14 or older (12 in some states) may ask the court for a different guardian from the one nominated by their parents. The judge will take their wishes into account along with other factors.

After You've Chosen a Guardian: Talking It Over

After you've narrowed your list down to two (or even better, three) people, you need to ask them whether they'd be willing to serve as your children's guardians. (You don't, of course, need to tell your other friends and family that you haven't chosen them, unless you feel that will help them accept your choices. Boundless candor is not always the best policy.)

It's really important to have this conversation with the people you've chosen. You might find out that they've already agreed to serve as guardians for other friends or family and feel uncomfortable taking on another potential obligation. You might learn that your guardian is going to need more financial assistance to make a blended family work than you thought. It's true that you're going to provide money for your children's needs, but if the guardian needs a bigger house or a car, you'll need to do some planning to make sure that you can provide that for them also. (Life insurance can help, and I'll talk more about that in Chapter 7.)

How should you bring this up? Try being direct. Find a quiet moment and mention that you are doing estate planning. Say that you would like to know if they'd be willing to be named as a guardian in your will. Let them know that you thought long and hard about it and made the choice because you love them, or that your children do. But also make it clear that you understand that this is a big responsibility, even though the odds of it happening are, thankfully, low. Make it clear that "no" is an acceptable answer, and find out whether there's anything that you can do to make the prospect of being your child's guardian easier. Maybe you could take out more life insurance or arrange things so that if they became guardians, they could live in your house until your children are mature.

You'll probably find out that they haven't done any estate planning themselves (most people haven't). You might find out that they've been meaning to ask you to be the guardian of their children. Or you might find out that there are reasons why you shouldn't use them as guardians, reasons that you would never have known if you hadn't had the conversation. Truthfully, there's no downside to this chat. You really have to have it if you're going to feel comfortable with the decision you've made. And if you're not comfortable with the conversation, maybe you need to reconsider your choice.

Hit the road. Before you finalize your choice, think about taking a short vacation with your first-choice candidates, even if it's just a quick trip to the beach or lake. I can't tell you how many times clients have chosen guardians during our initial interview, then called the next week and changed their minds after a disastrous weekend together. Sometimes, when you're really trying hard to visualize someone else as your child's guardian, you'll see things about their parenting style that you just didn't notice before.

Giving Guardians Some Written Guidance

Now that you've chosen your guardians and discussed this with them, you might also want to write a letter to them, explaining why you chose them and what you hope they will be able to do for your children. This letter is to be opened only in the event that someday they're appointed (which means that you're not there to discuss things). Sometimes the very thought of this letter brings parents to tears. If you feel that way, don't write it. But if writing down your thoughts and feelings will make you feel good and provide some guidance to the guardians, now's a good time to do it.

Here are the kind of things you might want to include:

Your reasons for choosing them. If you have chosen a friend, not a family member, explain why. This section is important if you think that your family might contest your choice. But it's always a good thing to let your family know that you thought long and hard about this and to explain why you decided as you did.

What you want them to know about your kids. Here's where you can write down any special instructions on how you want your children raised, such as lessons in certain things, travel to certain places, and important family rituals or connections.

Your feelings about education. If you have strong feelings about how your children should be educated, let the guardians know. Some parents want their children to go to certain high schools or colleges; others have strong feelings about graduate schools or other professional programs.

Your feelings about religious education or faith. If it is important to you that your children maintain their ties to a particular church or congregation, rabbi, or minister, let the guardian know. If you want your children to celebrate certain life events, like confirmation or bar or bat mitzvah, that's important to share.

Your wishes concerning your children's relationships with extended family. If you want your children to visit Ireland to see their grandparents every year, let the guardian know. If there are certain family members that you do not want your children to spend time with, let them know that, too.

Your wishes concerning ethical values. If you want your children to learn certain ethical values or to continue your family's commitment to certain social goals such as environmental activism or contributing to charities, write that down here. You might also want to write a letter to your children about these values, so they know what was important to you and why.

Whew! You've just done the hardest part of estate planning for parents. You should feel extra good right now. After working through guardianship, the rest is just details and logistics. There's nothing so emotionally charged left for you to do. But don't stop, either. You still need to make some important choices about how your children's inheritance will be managed for them. And until you put your choices down in a legally witnessed will, they don't count in a court of law. So carry on.