Introduction

Divorce is one of the loneliest of modern rituals. -- Suzanne Gordon

Tim and Gina met while they were both on vacation in Southern California. Tim had just received a dream promotion at his first serious job. Now manager of the marketing department at Quantum, he was riding high and confident of his future. Gina, however, was just coming out of a painful breakup with the young man she'd been dating for two years and was feeling like many things were up in the air for her.

Gina certainly wasn't looking for a new relationship. She welcomed Tim's company but made it clear that she was only interested in having someone to pal around with. Tim said okay, though he was absolutely certain he'd found the love of his life. He'd take his time and give her whatever space she needed. He believed that if he was patient and played his cards right, everything would work out.

Tim's caring attention was exactly what Gina needed to help her through this difficult time. And after several months of telephone conversations across the miles -- she lived in Tucson, he in Seattle -- they agreed to meet in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend. Gina was ready to give love another chance.

The weekend in San Francisco couldn't have been more perfect. Six months later they were making wedding plans. Gina wanted a traditional church wedding, which was fine with Tim as long as they could have a large reception at a place near the ocean, with all their friends celebrating with them. This was one marriage, they told their friends, that would last forever.

In fact, it lasted for nine and a half years, long enough for Alexia and Ben to be born. Neither Gina nor Tim could remember when the arguments actually started. They were over small things at first, but soon even the small disagreements were turning into major fights. They kissed and made up time after time. It seemed that no matter what one of them suggested to the other, it was steel on flint. Sparks flew, whether the discussion was what to fix for dinner, what to plant in the garden, where to spend their vacation, or how best to discipline the kids. The loving intimacy they'd shared eroded with each argument. Finally they were sleeping in different rooms, and Tim sought every opportunity for out-of-town business trips. Gina noticed she was relieved and more relaxed when Tim was out of town and she avoided intimate contact when he was home.

Tim and Gina both felt very alone in their marriage, and were de-pressed and anxious over the loss of the mutual support they'd once experienced. It was nearly impossible for either of them to accept the fact that something that started so beautifully had come to this.

The children, now five and seven, were beginning to show the effects of the constant tension between their parents. In family counseling, Gina and Tim struggled through the challenges of their own conflicts. In the beginning, they pledged to stay together and resolve their differences. Somehow, they'd make the marriage work. Above all, they both understood the negative impact their separation would have on the kids, and they wanted to avoid this at all costs -- well, nearly all costs.

It all came to a head at Alexia's soccer game, when Tim and Gina started arguing in front of the kids and other parents. Deeply humiliated by their own behavior, and aware of how they'd also humiliated their children, they apologized to the people around them and made their way home. Although they were still furious with each other, they made a pact that evening never again to air their conflicts in public. And they would try their best not to argue in front of the kids.

But the conflicts persisted, and the tension continued to affect Alexia and Ben. At last, after much soul-searching and many tears, Tim and Gina looked at each other across their therapist's office one morning and made the decision to end their marriage. It was the first thing they'd agreed on in months. They also made a pledge, suggested by their counselor, to make the break with a specific goal in mind: to do everything in their power to treat one another with respect and dignity. With two beautiful children, they had much to be grateful for. The marriage had blessed them in this way regardless of the fact that they could no longer live together. The therapist assured them that she would be available to help them through the separation, guiding them through what she called "collaborative divorce."

WARNING By "collaborative divorce," the therapist meant a way that divorcing parties can relate to each other starting from an assumption of collaboration rather than conflict. In the legal field, there is also a growing movement called "collaborative divorce," which refers to a specific way of going through a legal divorce, in which both parties and their lawyers agree to keep the matter out of court. In this book, the term means a way of relating to your spouse during a divorce, not to the legal process.

You probably recognize Tim and Gina's story. Every marriage is different, and so is every divorce -- but the common thread for divorcing parents with children is the need to come to terms with the ongoing relationship you'll have as divorced parents. This book is about that relationship, and about how you can move through the divorce with a commitment to being the best ex-husband and the best divorced father you can be.

One Last Try

Maybe, just maybe, you're not quite ready to call it quits. You're talking about breaking up, and perhaps you've gone through a few periods of reconciliation, but you haven't signed any papers or made any property agreements. Is it worth trying once more? If you think it might be possible to save your marriage, now is the time to try, before one of you moves out. Once you have stepped over that particular threshold, your chances of getting back together are diminished. It's a big step and one that is not easily reversed.

Let's say you're still sharing the same house, however tension-filled it might be. Is it worth it to try counseling? If you're not in counseling already, and you are sincere about giving the marriage one last try, then you should seriously consider asking a third party for help. Let your wife know that you would very much like to enter counseling be-cause you want to stay married to her. Bear in mind, however, that while professional help can be a great asset, it will help save your marriage only if you and your spouse are equally committed to working it out and you both want to keep your marriage intact. That means you want to stay together no matter how uncomfortable the changes you are facing might be -- including the need for you to accept your wife's shortcomings and to ask her to accept yours.

Will you be plagued with doubts along the way? Of course. In the haunting hours between midnight and 3 a.m., who does not fall prey to the ghosts of perplexity and skepticism? If you find your doubts and fears keeping you awake at night or distracting you during the day, you might want to consider private therapy, just for you, in addition to any work you are doing as a couple with a marriage counselor. (There's more about counseling below and in Chapter 8.)

Because separating can be so complicated and frightening, many couples go through a trial separation before making their final decision. By the time a couple has gotten to the point of choosing to live apart, it's likely that they'll eventually go on to make the separation permanent. But once in a great while, given some time apart, a couple will get a better perspective on what it would really mean to be divorced. That may lead them to accept shared responsibility for creating the current estrangement and develop the motivation to work a little harder to get back together.

A trial separation can be difficult where the kids are concerned, however. What do you tell them? Do you say, "Dad (or maybe Mom) is going to have a place of his own for a while, but don't worry, we'll be getting back together?" Given that you can't actually promise your kids that you'll reconcile, better to offer them something solid they can deal with. Just assure them that "Even though Dad is going to have a place of his own now, he's still your dad, and he'll always be your dad. You'll still see a lot of him, and you'll also have another home where you can go to be with him." Assuring the kids that while things are changing, Dad will always be Dad helps them deal with their primary fear -- that you won't love them anymore.

If you decide to try a separation period, be sure that you jointly de-ice how long the separation will be. Between six and twelve months is reasonable. But be specific. Both of you should agree on a date. After that time, you can take a look at your situation -- perhaps with the help of your marriage counselor or therapist -- and then decide what your next move is going to be.

If this is to be a trial separation, make sure you're in agreement about what this means: you are still married to each other, and your goal is to get back together. If you get emotionally and sexually involved with another person, it's no longer a trial separation. If that's happened already and is a part of why you're separating, you need to end that "other" relationship so that you can focus on your marriage. It's important to remember that even after the divorce is final, most of us feel some pangs of sadness, or perhaps even anger, when we see our ex-partner with someone else. Time does heal such wounds, but if you're sincere about a trial separation you'll realize, early on, that this is not a time to open up new wounds. Instead it is a time to heal the wounds that are threatening your marriage.

It is virtually impossible to know with absolute certainty that separating from your partner is the right way to go, even after you've tried every other option. What you do know is that you are in pain, and your wife is in pain, and your children are in pain and may be showing the stresses of your struggle. If you've reached the point where you feel there's no other option but to separate permanently, you're about to find out that you are not alone on the journey, no matter how much it might feel like that sometimes. Everyone in the immediate family is affected, to say nothing of grandparents, friends, and even distant cousins. While that might feel like a lot of pressure, it should also support your commitment to a collaborative process that won't drag those friends and relatives into your conflicts with your spouse.

Honoring the Bonds of Our Children

One evening in a men's divorce group, one of the men was commemorating the third year of his separation from his ex-wife. He reflected on the most difficult parts of the separation and divorce, and reiterated how relieved he was to be out of the marriage. He then made this comment: "In the beginning there are those little moments of grace when you think how mellow it is to be out of this hassle. No more arguments. No more impossible standoffs you know are futile. And then, maybe a couple months out of the house, you start to realize that as long as you live you'll be a part of this family unit, by virtue of the fact of your children. For the first time in my life I know what they mean by that saying, blood is thicker than water."

In so many ways, divorce -- at least when there are children of the marriage -- is not ending a relationship but changing that relationship. Where children are concerned, Dad is still Dad and Mom is still Mom. There may be stepparents who at least partially take on those roles, and who your children may even come to call Dad, but the reality is that the bonds you share with your children do not go away. Keeping that in mind, look for ways to honor those bonds even as you are making plans to leave the marriage.

This man's clear perspective is a valuable insight for all of us -- that where there are children involved, there is a bond that we will share with our kids' moms forever. After the divorce, we're still going to be raising the children together with our former spouses, and this will take a collaborative effort if we're to do it right. In the ideal world, of course, there would be no domestic strife and no divorce. But that's not what this book is about. Living as we do in a world where divorce is all too prevalent, we would do well to look at the best ways through it -- be-ginning with the realization that a family with children is a family that is bonded together for many, many years to come. But that's the big picture. In the moment, you're first going to have to tell the kids about the impending divorce.

In the ideal world, Mom and Dad would sit down with the kids and in an orderly, compassionate, and age-appropriate way, tell them what was going on. However, at this point, usually one or both of you is feeling anxious and confused, and talking to the kids in a healthy and useful way feels impossible. Still, no matter how you feel, you're simply going to have to pull yourself together and move forward with this difficult task. There is no easy way to do this. Just do your best, and when in doubt, bet on the truth.

It's best for the kids if you and your spouse talk to them at the same time -- but make certain you agree to this ahead of time and talk over how it's going to go. If you're feeling very unsure, seek help from a marriage counselor. This can greatly reduce your anxiety by giving you some guidelines to follow. For example, if your kids are very different ages, you'll need to speak to each of them in a way that will make sense to them. For example, a four-year old child may only need to hear three things, though you may have to repeat these three statements many times in the weeks ahead: 1) "I love you," 2) "I will always be your daddy," and 3) "I am going to be living in a different house where you will have your own room and toys, just like here." Telling a teenager may be more challenging. The main thing with teenagers will be to keep focused while avoiding discussions that are critical of their mother. If you have doubts about how to present this information to your kids, a counselor can help you understand where your kids are developmentally and how to talk to each of them.

Whatever you do, after you explain to the kids about the changes that are about to happen, make sure you take each child aside separately and address each child's individual concerns and needs one on one. Encourage them to ask questions and to express what they are feeling. Answer their questions without putting down their mother in any way. And take the time to acknowledge their feelings without dissecting them or trying to talk them out of it. For example, if your daughter tells you she is "sad and angry and scared all at the same time," let her know that you understand why she would feel that way, that she may feel that way for a while, and that it will get better. If she's angry at you, you might say "I'm sure you are angry, sweetheart. I'm sorry that you feel this way and I understand why you do right now. I believe that you'll feel better as time goes on, but it might take a while. I still love you very much, and that will never change."

Regardless of how you choose to tell your kids, do so in a way that is sensitive to their individual needs, in an age-appropriate manner, with your actions and words expressing a coherent message. There's no way to avoid some upset -- yours and theirs. Be as aware as you possibly can of your children's reactions. The more you are able to observe how they are taking the news, the better able you'll be to handle any difficulties they may be having, now and in the future.

Tell Them You Love Them, and Tell Them Often

As much as you want to ease your kids' and your own pain at this point, there really is nothing you can do to rush the healing that must take place. It's here that the old Taoist saying, "Don't push the river," becomes the rule of the day. But while healing takes time, there are things you can say that will help your kids through the transition, keeping them in a place of relative safety as they negotiate this new territory. Here are key concepts that you'll want to convey to your kids. Don't drag out your discussion of these points -- keep your communication clear, simple, and age-appropriate:

• Assure them the divorce is not their fault and that they are not in any way responsible for Mom and Dad wanting to live in different houses.
• Tell them you're sorry to have caused this mess.
• Assure them that even though you may not be living in the same house with them, you will not ever abandon them -- you are all still a family, and that will never change.
• Ask them to be patient and tell them that many other kids have gone through this -- and that eventually it will get easier and they will feel "normal" again.
• Tell them often that you love them.

Decide to Be the Best Dad You Can Be

Dissolving a marriage, particularly when children are involved, is a complex and trying process. It's hard on everyone. As one recently divorced father put it, "It is like having the cosmic carpet pulled suddenly from under your feet. Even though I thought I was prepared for it, and had done a lot in therapy around it, when I walked out that door for the last time, I felt like the earth had crumbled under my feet."

During this period of transition, you'll no doubt encounter a great deal of confusion and emotional upheaval. You'll probably be feeling every emotion imaginable, running the spectrum from anger and fear to relief to deep sadness. All that being so, hold the intention upper-most in your mind that regardless of what else is going on, you'll do everything you can to be the best father that you can possibly be. If you make and keep that commitment to yourself, you may encounter trials of many kinds, but you will find a way to keep your kids' mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health at the top of your priority list.

What does this mean in a practical sense? It means that you put your kids' needs before your own -- a theme that we'll return to again and again in this book. It means that you pay attention to what your kids are saying and what they're doing -- both with you and with their friends, at school, and with your spouse. It means that no matter how stressed out, overwhelmed, or burned out you feel, you find a way to show up for your kids -- not just when they are in crisis or acting out, but when it's time to help with the homework or drive the carpool on any given day.

If you can do this, you'll receive two enormous benefits. First, you'll improve your relationship with your kids and offer them the support that they need. And second, you'll undoubtedly improve your own emotional state. Focusing on something other than your own problems will help you heal and move on.

Taking Care of Yourself

Many couples find it very useful, in the early part of the divorce, to get help from a marriage counselor. The counselor will be offering not marriage counseling but collaborative divorce counseling. The counselor may work with the two of you together, or may be your own individual therapist. If you and your spouse do see someone together, you may also want to get some professional support just for you.

Finding your way to a collaborative divorce depends on your ability to recognize when it's okay to go it alone and when you can use experienced help. Above all, don't be the victim of false pride. It's not al-ways easy to ask for help, whether it's about the best way to get from point A to point B, or how to best handle personal matters. Try to resist the I can do this myself approach. At this stage of the journey, you're best off looking for the shortest and easiest route through the divorce process, the one that will inflict minimal damage upon everyone involved. Getting help will usually support that effort. After all, if you had been able to sort out your problems on your own, you would not now be divorcing. This is not a judgment of you or your spouse, by the way. Every one of us is unique, and when we put two or more people together, their differences can either complicate communication or make it easier. In a divorce, the issue is nearly always the former.

Experienced professionals have helped others through the process many times and can ease you through it. Having an unbiased third party involved will make communication with your spouse much easier, increasing your ability to resolve issues together.

Through all of it, it's important to stay focused. Your goal is to learn a way of relating to your soon-to-be ex-spouse that will be healthy for your kids. You are not in therapy to get back together with your spouse. Yes, it does happen now and then, but don't confuse your own counseling with couples therapy. What you are doing here is resolving your own core issues that will have serious long-term effects on your children and their mother.

There are lots of other ways that you can take care of yourself, including the old standbys of eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Make sure you do whatever works for you, whether it's daily meditation or joining a softball league.

Who Moves Out?

In most cases, it's the father who moves out of the family home. The main reason for this is to minimize the disruption in the children's lives, assuming that Mom is the primary caregiver. From the kids' point of view, it is painful to have a parent move out, so make sure that regardless of who leaves the house, you maintain the home base that gives the kids a sense of familiarity and security. This is not always possible, of course. Families may have to downsize to a smaller home or move to another neighborhood or city. But whatever life necessitates, don't ever lose sight of how important it is for children to have the security of a place that feels like home.

If you're the one who moves out, you'll have to deal with the kids' perception that you are the one ending the marriage. The reality is that the children don't need to know who ended the marriage. Placing blame won't bring them any peace of mind, and will tend to create a conflict that can never be fully resolved. Older children might ask you who is to blame, of course. What should you answer? Simply explain that there are situations in life when who's to blame really isn't the issue, and that both of you had your part in causing the deterioration of your relationship.

What else should you discuss with them? The kids don't need to know the gory details of what goes on in private between you and your spouse. Most parents' first reflex will be to spare the kids the details of the divorce, which is appropriate. Never discuss with them anything about your sexual relationship or other truly adult concerns.

There's no point lying to your kids about what's been going on -- they were there. Even children who appear to only have the most rudimentary grasp of language can often determine what's the truth and what's not. Young children won't understand the same issues as the older kids, of course, so you need to gear your conversations with them so that they can grasp what's happening. And very small kids -- infants and toddlers who aren't yet really talking -- don't have the language skills for whatever you tell them to make much sense. Still, give them age-appropriate information if and when they do start asking.

If there has been a lot of tension between you and your spouse, the kids will have experienced it too. And obviously, if there have been other overt problems, such as emotional or physical violence, mental illness, or drug or alcohol abuse, the kids will likely already be aware of this too, no matter what their ages. Kids often feel great relief when the tension is relieved once one parent moves out. That relief needs to be acknowledged along with all of their other feelings.

And don't put down your spouse in any way. If you're very angry, this may cut down on how much you can talk to your kids about their other parent, but it will be well worth it in the long run. Negative talk about your ex will make your kids feel that they're caught in the middle. They'll be learning a lesson of resentment and anger, rather than one of compassion and patience. And they'll see you as someone who's harsh and unforgiving, which is likely to alienate them from you. In short, there's no benefit and a lot of downside to trashing your ex to your kids or in their presence.

Your kids' difficult reactions don't mean that you should rethink the divorce or consider going back to the family home to assuage their feelings. What it does mean is that you need to listen very carefully to their complaints and their silences as well. Their sense of security, which is so important at this stage of the divorce, will depend on your ability to listen and to let them know that you accept their feelings.

Leave the Lawyer Stuff for Later if You Can

When they first split up, many people believe they must immediately seek out an attorney and file for divorce. For some people, starting the legal process is the way to reduce the confusing feelings and feel some relief. For others, it's necessary to file right away because of support or custody issues. But it's not necessary for everyone. Here are some factors to consider.

• If you have young children and you and your spouse can't agree about how you will divide time with them or pay for their support, you'll need to get some temporary orders from a court right away. This requires that one of you file the papers to start the divorce.
• If you can't agree who will move out of the home, you'll also have to get a court to decide that, meaning that someone will have to file papers.
• If you can agree on who moves out, an amount of temporary support, and how you will share time with the kids, then you can hold off on starting the legal proceedings.
• If you have reasons to stay legally married, such as wanting to keep insurance in force for your wife and kids as long as possible, you can also wait to file until some time has passed.
• Your divorce won't be final for quite a while after it's filed. States have different rules on this but in most states, there's a waiting period of 6 to 12 months. So if you have some reason to want the divorce to be finalized promptly -- such as that you want to get married again -- you'll need to file soon.

It's definitely true that while you and your soon-to-be ex are still volatile emotionally -- which is normal -- you should not be trying to make any big decisions. Wait until you start to feel more solid. If you can hold off on filing for a while, fine. But no matter what, consider getting an hour's consultation with an attorney so that you can ask whatever questions you have. Here's a brief list of things you may want to know right away -- and there's more about dealing with lawyers in Chapter 6:

• Custody rights: what's customary? What is possible given any special circumstances you might have, such as your moving to another city or another state, or your spouse's desire to relocate?
• How will the marital property be divided and who will be responsible for debts?
• How much might you be required to pay to your spouse as child support? What about alimony?
• How will the divorce affect your taxes?

You may be able to calculate, on the basis of this meeting, how the divorce is going to affect your finances. In this way you'll be able to estimate how much money you'll have available for the rent and other additional expenses you'll be having. You may also be able to set your mind at rest about whatever worries you're having about seeing your kids.

Money, Money, Money, Money

Money is a major issue in most divorces -- just as it is in most marriages. If you're a two-income family, the burden will be a bit easier to handle because in most cases, you'll be sharing the expenses. If you are the main breadwinner, you'll have to start supporting two households -- yours and hers. Clearly, this can be a major financial burden, one that may necessitate some big changes in your lifestyle. This alone may stir up feelings of frustration, anxiety, and anger.

This is the point at which many men withdraw because they feel overwhelmed by their feelings and by the changes in their family structure. Some even abandon their fathering responsibilities. As much as it might seem that you need to cut and run, hang on. Don't bail out on your responsibilities to your family. Sure, you're going to have to do some belt-tightening. And, yes, you may feel resentful if your ex stays in the house and gets to spend more time with the kids and it seems that she has a much nicer life that you have to pay for. Just keep in mind that the home she's living in is also providing shelter and security for your children; the sacrifices you're going to be making are for their benefit. It's also statistically true that for many women, divorce is financially disastrous. Your spouse is probably panicked about how she is going to afford to live and help to support the kids in the long run. The big house may feel more like a burden than a blessing at this transition point. And she's just as emotionally raw as you are about the divorce and the money issues involved. So try to cut her a break wherever you can.

Financial worries can be frightening and distracting. But once again, you'll need to remind yourself to keep your kids on the top of your priority list. Be available to them emotionally. Show up for them a hundred percent.

RESOURCES Whether or not you hire a lawyer, make sure you get informed. There are lots of useful divorce resources out there, including:

• Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce, by Violet Woodhouse with Dale Fetherling (Nolo). Practical and proactive advice to help you protect yourself and safeguard your financial future. Reduces the financial complications of divorce into comprehensible strategies.
• The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, by Alan Feigenbaum (McGraw-Hill). Arms readers with the knowledge and tools they need to make it through a divorce with their financial skins intact.
• Divorce and Money: Everything You Need to Know, by Gayle Rosenwald Smith (Perigee Books). Explains the financial issues involved in divorce and, most important, tells the reader what they can do to better understand their situation and how to take proper action.

Hang In There

You are at the beginning of a journey that may very well bring you face to face with some very difficult feelings, including resentment, anger, sadness, and anxiety. Have faith, however, that there is a way through these challenges. You'll find, in the pages to come, a compilation of the experiences of many other men who have traveled this path before you and who have not only survived the difficult times but have come to a place of peace. Some have even come full circle to enjoy amicable relationships with their ex-wives. Trust that things will get easier over time. All you can do is hang in there and put one foot in front of the other -- and read on!